Funny Jokes (let's see who is funniest)

[MeMe]

some shit that would happen to me

[tony]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent and asked that the boy speak to his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ***-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"Get outta here!" the boy said. "Who'd she play for?"

[mouse]

Hahahahahahahaha

[tony]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase...

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...Jose’ the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

[mouse]

What do you call a dog with no legs???


Call it anything you want, it still won't come to you!